#Genuinely so glad the only sport I ever cared about was swimming cause I can still do that

[serenhob]

It's so weird to look back at my life a year or two ago because it's so different.

A year ago I could function on 4 hours of sleep, now if I have less than 8 it sets off a chain reaction and suddenly I can't get out of bed.

Two years ago I could run. Now I can't even walk without my cane.

A year ago I went on walks with my friend every Satuday and we'd be out for like 5 hours. Now I can barely go into town without spending the next week in pain.

Two years ago I went on hikes and long bike rides. I can't do that anymore.

A year ago I went ice skating. It was a bit painful but I whizzed around the ice for two hours. Now I can barely walk.

Two years ago my GP told me I probably just sprained my ankle and to stay off it for a bit. In a week I'm going to a hospital so they can check my nerves. I'm getting help.

There are things I can still do that I love. But it's still hard for me to see how I have deteriorated.

I think the thing I am the most glad about is how I quit doing Ballet when I was 5 cause I can't imagine how devastating that would be, to have any kind of sport really that I dedicated that much time to just gone.

[adultswim2021]

Xavier: Renegade Angel #13: “Free Range Manibalism” | March 13, 2009 - 12:15AM | S02E05

I’m sorry, but this one is simply too crazy. Xavier finds a restaurant that very snobbishly turns their noses up at his offer of meat. The meat in question is splattered stuff from roads. He is accused of being a bathroom user, and truly, he is. So, they throw him out and he encounters two bums, whom he convinces to pose as pigs so he can offer them to the restaurant. The restaurant’s whole deal is that they pamper their livestock until they pass away from natural causes. Then, and only then, are they turned into a nice meal.

From there it goes off into a direction that I’m not even that sure I can adequately summarize. So, I won’t. Like, no, really, the episode was great, and I laughed at it a bunch, but I genuinely felt like I missed a key word or something that would have explained, sorta, what was going on. 

The honest truth is, sometimes I just don’t want to write about Xavier. That’s because the show is just one incredible joke after the next, and I tend not to enjoy write-ups where all I do is list jokes I like. Here’s some I wrote down, to shut you up: Xavier’s belabored pun of “Heil-er Meatler”. The part where he distracts the sporting goods store (to steal footballs from, so he can sew up new pigskin for the hobos) by getting them to chant “sports” over and over. “Spreading like a mother’s legs on free peanut butter day”. There’s like, way more insane wordplay in this episode than most others, I think. 

This is a wild one, and I probably should have watched it twice before covering it here. Oh well! Merry Christmas, everyone!

MAIL BAG

I definitely took a couple days off so I could use the above screenshot on Christmas Day, and no other reason. Time to shine a spotlight on the man of the hour, Mr. Ho-Ho-Ho himself, Santa Claus:

I don’t think you’re nuts! By the time Delocated season 1 started airing, 30 Rock already had appearances from faces familiar to Late Night w Conan fans, like Brian Stack, Brian McCann, Andy Richter, ofc Jack McBrayer, Conan. i wondered too if they hoped to get those Conan fans who gave 30 Rock a chance bc of those cameos. Good theory!

Hey, thanks for that. 30 Rock was definitely a movement, and it's something we could all get behind.

hey man i dunno who told you that SH*T about robot chciken being canceled but creator-whos-not-seth-green just said in a interview two weeks back that its still going so get your hopes down

The funniest case scenario is that Seth Green is too mad about his monkies that he refuses to do the show, and they try to continue without him. He was probably running around the writers room doing nut taps and throwing Nickelodeon Gak on people so they couldn't write funny sketches ever. Maybe this made-up thing that I'm making up right now is just what the show needs.

Tommy Wiseau is an absolute nut job. Mike Lazzo was playing with matches letting that guy in the adult swim ecosystem. Wish he got burned, boyo.

True that!!! Tommy Wiseau is not "WISE" at all... he is a menace

If Santa could put on piece of Adult Swim swag in your holiday stocking this year what would you want it to be?

A new Space Ghost Volume 5 DVD. The second disc on my copy stopped working. I can't even sell it on eBay anymore! WAAAH! Also, the actual plastic case it came in got extremely brittle and it caved in when I tried to open it last time. It's just all the way fucked. I have a digital backup of it, at least. But, I prefer tactile sensations, and the crackle of the vinyl record.

Santa has just left my house. He left 10 presents and ate all four cookies we left him. I was telling my dog who sleeps in my room how great a deal that was. 10 presents for four cookies? My dog didn't seem to care but enjoyed all the attention he was getting. Welp, back to bed.

I'm glad Santa came. I have a question about dog ownership for you: do you have a dog door and do you ever go through it for fun? I feel like if I had a dog and a dog door I would be going in and out of that thing constantly.

If you got bit by the Santa Claus bug, what would you do? Merry Christmas from LA

Hey, thanks, cool to hear about the move. If I was bit by the Santa bug, I would be in heaven, and I hope that answers all of the Christmas Day questions for AdultSwim.Com (my blog).

[sheaellisdelaney]

Where’d You Go

Who: Shea Delaney & Eleanor Wood

When: 6/22 ; Night

Where: “The Spot”

What: Eleanor and Shea agree to meet up at their favorite bar to play a little catch up.

Warnings: mentions of blood and alcohol

Eleanor walked into the bar from the back, hoping that despite her tardiness, Shea would not have arrived yet. Not because she doesn't want her to show, but because she feels guilty about what she had been doing. Ryan didn't love her and she didn't love him- but  Eleanor still so badly wanted to respect monogamy and the person she'd soon be marrying.

She doesn't see Shea at the bar and breathes in relief before taking a seat on a stool and ordering a shot of tequila and a glass of red wine.

Eleanor felt a little nervous the girl wouldn't show, after their weird conversation the night before, both of them beating around the bush instead of being clear with their words. The tequila was to calm her nerves and the wine would hopefully be shared with her friend.

Shea was running late. She'd taken an early fight and the doctor on site had been fussy about the damage she'd taken. Eventually she managed to get away, swearing she'd check in the next day, even if things felt fine. She didn't understand why they cared. Not really. The night before had set her on edge. The conversation with Eleanor so close to their personal lives, it made her uncomfortable. Not in a bad way, per se, but talking of her past never really went anywhere good.

Sporting a busted lip and blood drying in her hair, Shea made her way into the bar roughly ten minutes late. She immediately made her way over to the bar, near where Eleanor was sitting. "Two shots of Fireball and Jack, on the rocks." She all but barked at the bartender, quickly downing the two shots that were poured for her, before she muttered a sincere-ish apology and slumped onto the bar stool next to Eleanor.

Eleanor notices Shea’s appearance, but says nothing and just watches her order. There’s something intriguing about the way the girl seemed to know what she wanted.

“Hey you. I’m glad you could make it. It feels like it’s been forever.” Her nose scrunches up a bit as she lifts her wine glass to sip at. “You pull off a fat lip well.” Eleanor teases.

"What, five, six weeks? Some shit like that?" She hadn't been at the bar since she broke her ribs, not able to afford to spend the cash, since she wouldn't be able to make more until she could fight again. It sucked, but it was her only source of income she could rely on completely. The boxing gym she worked at was helpful but they couldn't afford to pay her much. And her other habits meant she didn't have extra when she wasn't making any.

Shea rolled her eyes at Eleanor's comment, taking a sip of her Jack. "Yeah, yeah. Shut it."

“Too long.” Eleanor says with a nod. She’d appreciated Shea and her willingness to be completely herself- something she didn’t know how to do unless you count her time at the beach. 

Eleanor fills her eyes, “Oh stop. You love me and we both know it. I bet you even missed me, even if you didn’t text me.”

Shea sighed, sipping on her drink. Her life was messy and pure chaos at the best of times, but Eleanor was this little bright spot. Something she looked forward to. "I did. And believe me, it's best I didn't text you. I was... incapacitated. In, a sense." Shea had a problem, of the addictive variety. It'd been what had upended her career, caused the rift in her family and forced her to leave Boston. Pain was the biggest catalyst for her using. Breaking a rib had all but left her doped up and out of her mind. It was how she coped with things, or perhaps avoided coping with things. She was getting better but she'd never box professionally again. Underground fight rings for the entertainment of the rich and famous were the easiest way someone like her could make money. Not that she was  ever open about such, of course.

“Can it really be any worse than our first round of texting? Me drunker than I should ever be and texting you sentences that had no clear point?” Eleanor beams, reaching over to slightly brush Shea’s cheek with her thumb. “I’m so drawn to you.” She admits after a while, tensing when the client she’d  just worked with, had made her late, enters the bar.

Shea laughed at the memory. "I wish I could say that no, it wouldn't have been worse, but it definitely would have been." The thumb on her cheek is a surprise and Shea isn't sure how to respond. The words are just as surprising and Shea hums a bit. "Can't imagine why." When she sees the way Eleanor tenses a hand finds itself on Eleanor's knee. Shea isn't sure it's as reassuring as she hopes it is, but it's all she's comfortable with.

“You don’t have to imagine. I just needed you to know.” Eleanor settles when the man just makes his way to the pool table, not making eye contact or some sort of scene. But it’s really the feel of Shea’s hand that truly comforts her. “Do I do anything for you?”

Shea simply hums, sipping her drink. When Eleanor settles she's glad. Her hardened features soften ever so slightly at the question asked of her. "In a sense. You're this little light in the dark, swirling chaos that is the rest of my life." She gave Eleanor's knee a gentle squeeze.

“Me?” Her eyes widen, unsure anyone had ever said that to her before. She certainly hadn’t expected Shea to say something so genuine and kind. “I’m glad I can bring you light Shea. Really.”

"Yes, you. You are the one who asked, aren't you?" Shea teased with a rare grin properly on her face. Her middle finger started rubbing absent minded circles on Eleanor's knee. Shea wasn't necessarily a people person, the kind of person who got close to anyone. Eleanor was one of the only friends she had and the only one who didn't know about her habits, both work and personal. It was nice, having someone who cared without knowing just how much there was to care about. "It's nice."

“I like seeing you smile.” Eleanor quips, sitting back in the stool with her wine in hand. “You’re nice. I’m glad we caught each other’s eye. You give me something to look forward to. I’m lucky to know you.” Even if they barely knew anything about one another. The way she thinks they both needed it to be.

Shea ducks her head, hiding her face in her drink at Eleanor's words. "Yeah, I'm glad too." Setting her drink down she runs her hand through her hair, only to have her fingers come away speckled with blood. Quickly she wiped it off on her jeans. She knew she'd gotten cut on the back of her head, from being knocked into a pillar just the right way, but she'd thought it have closed up by now. And maybe it had, but she really wasn't sure. Not that she'd do anything about it, instead, she finished her drink and motioned for another. "So, how'd whatever business that kept you away go? If you feel like sharing, of course." Sure, they didn't know much at all about each other, but it didn't stop Shea's curiosity.

“Blood?” Eleanor raises an eyebrow at the other girl, a spark of concern in her eyes. She’s tempted to push, ignore the question Shea’s asked her, but it doesn’t feel right. “Keep an eye on your head, yeah? Wouldn’t want you to die on me. Then who’d I have to keep looking forward to things?” Finishing off her wine, she makes eye contact with the bartender before turning back to Shea. “Business was fine. Lots of down time. It was nice to get away from the city.”

"I'll be fine." She huffed into her drink. It was harsh, but she wanted to ignore it. She also knew there was blood in the tips of her hair that was dried and was thankful her hair was dark. As it'd just raise questions otherwise. "Away from the city? Care to share where? If only to make me jealous?"

“Massachusetts actually.” Eleanor explains, leaving the topic of Shea for the moment. “Gloucester. I met with some clients and I spent a lot of time at the beach. I was in paradise!”

Shea raised an eyebrow at Eleanor's answer. "Cape Ann, really? Huh. Definitely not jealous though. I mean, I grew up roughly an hour from there, in Lowell. Then, course, I moved to Boston when my career took off." Shea's hand fell away from Eleanor's knee as she brought it up to rest her chin on both arms. "And then I ended up here when it fell apart."

“Well, you must appreciate the water then. Yeah?” Eleanor has been to Boston more often than she’d like to admit but doesn’t say that. Instead she pouts. “I like you touching me! You should be happy you came here. You got to meet me!”

"In a sense. Lowell is beautiful, has  these waterways. I can appreciate the look and the appeal but I almost drowned as a kid, and haven't been particularly fond of water since." Shea raised an eyebrow at the way Eleanor pouted, the other joining it at her words, a chuckle escaping her lips. "That, sounds dirty." She said with a point of her finger and a sip of her drink. "Sorry, princess, but losing everything is not completely counteracted just cos i got to meet a pretty girl."

“Oh. That’s really tragic. I can see why you’d be hesitant around any body of water. Do you like baths or is that even too close to your experience?” There’s a spark in Eleanor’s eyes as she laughs. “Maybe I intended it to be dirty.” She shrugs before nodding. “I know. I was just just trying to get you to smile. The princess was just an added bonus.”

Shea shrugged. "I've gotten better with it, over the years. Can even swim in pools. But deep, naturally flowing water like rivers, lakes, and particularly the ocean? Yeah, no." She chuckled, shaking her head. "Don't tease me like that." She grumbled, taking another sip of her drink. "You like being called princess, do you?"

“You’re like Natalie Wood. It’s the depth. The unknown. It makes sense.” Eleanor rolls her eyes. “It’s my job to tease.” And she’s not lying. “I love it, even if it may be a little condescending. It makes me feel special.”

"Who?" Shea questioned, raising an eyebrow at Eleanor. "I'm not paying ya, am I?" She rolled her eyes, downing the rest of her drink and motioning for another. Letting out a bark of laughter, Shea shook her head. "Don't get that a lot, huh?"

Eleanor gasps, covering her mouth. “Natalie Wood is a goddess. I will only watch west side story because of her.” She can’t help but laugh though. “I’ll tease you for free if it’s what you want.”  She sighs, ordering a shot of tequila. “No. I’m not special so it takes a lot to make me feel that way. You do though.”

Shea recoils slightly at Eleanor's reaction. "I will take your word on that." Rolling her eyes she ordered another shot of Fireball and downs it. "You're the one who seems to want it." She chuckled and then scoffed. "You're plenty special. Anyone who doesn't see that is fucking blind."

“I want everything I can’t have.” Eleanor whispers, rolling her eyes. “I happen to think you’re pretty special yourself. You know that? Are you going to touch me again?”

"That's a bad habit to have." Shea muttered with a smirk. "Special in the head, maybe." Sitting up she let her hand fall back off the bar, rolling her shoulders as she straightened up all the way. Her back popped in the process and she grimaced. As she raised her glass to her lips again, her free hand once again found itself on Eleanor's knee.

“Tell me about it.” She says with a grin, shaking her head at the insult given to herself. “We’re all special in the head. Don’t worry. You’re not alone.” Goosebumps form on her skin the minute Shea’s hand goes to her knee. “Thank you.” Eleanor whispers. “So much.”

Shea rolled her eyes, sipping her drink. She really didn't get what Eleanor's thing with touching was. Like, it didn't bother her or anything, but it was still weird. Maybe it was because Shea didn't really do other people touching her that she didn't understand the concept of wanting someone else to. "You're welcome, I guess?" She finally said with a shrug.

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay out much longer. The wine is making me sleepy.” But it doesn’t stop her from taking another sip from her glass.

"I should probably head home before I rack up a bill I don't want to pay." She had plenty on her after her fight but she needed the cash for other things. Most of which were necessities to actually being a somewhat functional member of society.

“What’s the most you have drank in a night?” Eleanor raises an eyebrow before calling out for the check. Insisting she pay both tabs. “You touch me. I pay for you. Seems fair to me.”

"Enough that I don't remember how much I had, all I know is someone else was paying." Shea rolled her eyes as Eleanor insisted on paying for both tabs. She couldn't help but chuckle. "Wasn't aware I was selling my body tonight." She refrained from adding on something about more than she already had, because really, the way she fought she might as well be selling her body. Maybe she was.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 309

*puts Lonely Island on repeat* Shipnanigans are here!

I was originally kind of not looking forward to the second half of the season because this part of Voyager is absolutely batshit bananas. But then I was wicked underwhelmed by the part of the season I thought I would love.

So fuck it. Bring on the ridiculousness.

I like this episode. But only if I try to watch it pretending like the first part of the season didn’t happen... Because if I watch it with the other episodes in mind, I just get mildly ragey that we skip over the important emotional work Jamie and Claire still have to do in favor of fluff followed by another separation. And yeah, I love fluff. I love secksi times. I love Fraser snuggles. But the jump from the end of ep. 308 to the start of ep. 309 leaves me salty that we’re yet again asked to headcanon the reconciliation between Jamie and Claire. *side eyes the similar jump between ep. 207 and ep. 208* Whatever.

Get your towels ready it's about to go down. Everybody in the place hit the fuckin’ deck. But stay on your motherfuckin’ toes. We runnin’ this, let's go.

New credits! And the title card... Take a good hard look at the motherfuckin’ boat.

Ok this opening bit. Like Jamie was an asshole for the last two episodes. Claire never actually got to tell her side of things. She basically was like nope, I don’t think I even want to be here. But now it’s like all good, she’ll go on this 18th century sea voyage to find Jamie’s nephew. For real? They couldn’t have made a handful of tweaks last week and the beginning of this week so she could say she was going because she wanted to be with Jamie and keep working on their relationship? And Jamie’s apparently never going to apologize for being a massive piece of shit toward her? They do a good job over the course of the episode of showing them together but still with the insecurities and stuff, but jumping from where they were on the cliff to where they are in this episode makes me side eye the show like whoa.

And yes, I know that she’s really going on the ship because she wants to try to make it work with Jamie, but geez, let her say that. Let her tell him that he’s been a dick to her but she knows he has it in him to be not-shitty and she’s going because she thinks he can be better than he is in the last couple episodes. I don’t know why it bothers me so much when they make us fill in the blanks ourselves on stuff that seems definitely important enough to actually show. And then make it seem like we’re dumb or bad fans or something for wanting to actually see things instead of just headcanoning them in, because that’s how this production team rolls.

Replacement Rupert and Angus just aren’t the same as the originals. Like no one can replace Rupert and Angus, but like, I can’t bring myself to give a crap about these randos?

For real though, Claire’s inner monologue is probs like yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat. It's a big blue watery road...

And I get her 20th century scoffing at superstition, but like, girl. You’ve been in trouble for being a “witch” enough times now that c’mon. Don’t act like you don’t understand what’s going on with the sailors.

Marsali is my everything. I love her. I love her so much.

As much as I want Jamie to stand up for Claire, I do like that Fergus does it. Because Jamie, my dude, you deserve everything Marsali’s throwing at you.

Claire’s “No. You don’t.” as she drags Jamie away is also my everything.

Oh hey, a trunk of clothes! Got some swim trunks, and some flippie-floppies. But not a nautical themed pashmina afghan in sight. Welp. Can’t have everything.

I know it’s supposed to be sweet that Jamie wouldn’t let anyone get rid of Claire’s clothes. And a nice inverse to Frank burning her clothes. But I’m still just kind of chuckling because it’s not like he ever saw them? What with him living in a cave and then prison and then Helwater and then with Laoghaire. But whatever.

“Would you care to dine with me this evening? We drinking Santana champ, cause it's so crisp.” This captain is seriously the human equivalent of  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Like dude. You’re the captain of the ship and you’re just like welp. Can’t do anything about the men. They’ll do what they’re gonna do. It’s not like I’m the one in the position of authority or anything.

High fives to Fergus for calling Jamie on his bullshit revisionist history.

Although it’s kinda icky that Jamie knows all of the girls who Fergus has banged? And also fuck him for being super chill about Fergus banging tons of girls but so fucking uptight about Marsali and Bree. I know, I know, it’s a different time. That doesn’t make him not a hypocrite though.

Slash Jamie’s the last person who should be lecturing *anyone* about the importance of honesty right now. But whatever. No real consequences for lying soooo... *pretends the last few eps haven’t happened*

Yi Tien Cho convincing Jamie to do acupuncture is also my everything. Seriously, I know I had a *rull* low bar for how that character was going to be changed, but I’m really, really loving him.

I for real can’t wait for more of Claire and Marsali. Like yeah, Jamie’s marital status *was* Claire’s business, and Jamie hadn’t been living with Laoghaire and the girls for ages so Claire also wasn’t really breaking up a family or anything, but I really like that Claire just lets Marsali’s comment slide. Like call Jamie out on all of his bullshit, please, but Marsali’s a teenager whose life was thrown through a loop and I feel like trying to talk to her when she’s in this kind of mood isn’t going to get anywhere. So by just being like “well the whore should get the bigger bed, shouldn’t she” it’s like telling Marsali that she’s not going to be cowed by the snark and also that she doesn’t need to justify her place in Jamie’s life to a rando. Like she’s not going to concede power by trying to explain herself to Marsali.

But for real, I love Marsali.

I honestly don’t get Jamie’s aversion to Fergus and Marsali though. Like they’re not making the age difference a thing in the show. And Jenny’s fucking kids have apparently been married and spitting out babies since they hit puberty. Like I get it makes for some tension with Laoghaire, but who gives a fuck? She hates them all already?

Claire and Yi Tien Cho are my favorite pair that I was not expecting to like so much. But like her being genuinely interested in his story and him being open with her, which is probably the first time he’s gotten to talk like that with anyone since he got to Scotland, is so great.

Oh. Another VO. Cool. It’s basically like I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me. Straight flowin’ on a boat on the deep blue sea. Bustin’ five knots, wind whippin’ out my coat. You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat.

Ok this insecurity in Jamie about hurting Claire’s feelings about the tea and acupuncture is adorable. Asshole Jamie’s insecurity of the past few episodes wasn’t. He was just an asshole.

And also, broseph, this is the kind of secret it’s ok to keep. Small, insignificant, adorable. The other one, not so much.

“My return has been confusing and frustrating. But it’s never been a question of whether I love you.” Confusing and frustrating is putting it a bit mildly, Claire, but apparently we’re done having real talk and Jamie doesn’t have to own up to being a fuckwad. Bqhatevwr. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m 1000% here for the fluff in this episode. I just have to pretend they actually did more of the hard convos in order to get to where they can have the fluff again.) And I’m pretty sure it *literally was* a question of whether you loved this Jamie, Claire. We all know you loved the old Jamie. But like, the whole thing on the cliff was literally about whether you loved the new Jamie. Y’know. The thing they never bothered addressing beyond the question being asked. Because lol nothing matters, fans can headcanon it and if they don’t they’re whiny and #badfans.

Whatever. *actively doesn’t think about past episodes* Here for pincushion heart eyes. Lookit how cute they are.

Cause of death: Claire telling Jamie about reading Bree Goodnight Moon.

And I love them talking about the moon like with the science of men flying there and the folk tales of the man in the moon representing each of them. They’re gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow. Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible.

“You miss her.” “Terribly.” Glad they’re highlighting Claire still feeling the loss of what she gave up to come back to Jamie. Still salty at his non-reaction to learning about his kid. And even here, like one line from him about Bree to let Claire know he loves her too? Or thinks about her too? To let Claire know she’s not alone in missing Bree? Please? No? Ok.

Here for the cuddles. I want the fluff. Believe me, I am trash for the fluff. I just wish again that the fluff felt more earned because they’d actually come to an understanding about where they stand with each other rather than just glossing over the hard part of coming back together. They showed the angsty set up then skipped the resolution and went straight to the fluff.

Whatever. Back to pretending the last few eps didn’t happen. Give me all the fluff. It’s fucking wonderful. I love fluff. I am a broken record.

I feel like the gif of Claire saying “that’s insanity” is going to come in quite handy...

Jamie going to save his dude like fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker. Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker. I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker. And no one is gonna mess with his Ardsmuir boys.

Really reaching to fit some of these lyrics in and I’m not at all sorry.

The way they chant Jonah is def the angry mob way to chant it, but in my head I def kept being like Jo! Nah! Jo! Nah!. Like pumping someone up at a sports thing or something. You’re doing it wrong, brain.

I have a lot of feelings about Yi Tien Cho giving up his story and letting it go before he wanted to in order to save Jamie and his men. Yi Tien Cho really is the best of them.

And honestly Jamie telling the captain to let YTC speak is maybe the most decent thing he’s ever done for the man.

And then the papers fly off in the wind and I realize that I give not a single fuck about the actual plot of this episode.

But Claire saying thank you to Yi Tien Cho is so much more than just thank you for quelling the fight. Like this guy just told the story of his life, of where he’s from, and now he needs to give it up. And she recognizes and respects and appreciates what it’ll cost him to give it up since she too is from a place the fuckers on the ship couldn’t possibly understand. And he did it for this group who, as he so passionately said, thinks the worst of him. I have so many feelings about Claire and Yi Tien Cho, guys.

They kept in the ship quickie! I def thought they were going to cut it! Bless them for keeping it. Blesss. Same feelings about the rest of the fluff still apply, but this show is probs always going to pull stuff like this so I clearly just need to get over it and accept the fluff I’m given like a #goodfan.

Jamie’s like believe me when I say, I fucked a mermaid.

(I swear, I *hated* the line last week when Jamie said Jenny would sooner believe Claire was a mermaid than from the future, but at least it means the most ridic lyric in the fucking song fits perfectly.)

And Jamie being cute about Claire’s hair. Awww.

I hate the king of men line. Hate it. Hate that the production is so fixated on that. And that they think it’s cute to keep including their weird in-jokes in the show itself.

But whatever. Snuggle time! Yay for snuggles! Embrace the fluff! Forget your issues with the show! Stop being a sourpuss!

Oh snap, the British are coming!  Never thought they’d see the day, when a big boat comin’ their way.

RIP Lt. Babyface. Long live Capt. Babyface!

Yay for Claire telling Jamie about her oath. And yay for Jamie actually getting it and respecting what she needs to do. It’s like ep. 306 Jamie again with the whole respecting Claire’s calling thing. So like, we should just ignore ep. 307 Jamie? Because he was an asshole about it.

Oh man, next week is gonna be rough, isn’t it. *All* the puking. This ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets.

For real though if the puking noises next week are like the brothel noises in ep. 306, I’m going to just watch on mute or something with the closed captions because it’s over the top, show.

Ok if Thomas Leonard is Capt. Babyface, I guess that makes Elias Pound Midshipman Fetus.

Oh man the cook being all like I'm flippin’ burgers, you at Kinko's straight flippin’ copies. Don’t fuck with Claire when she’s in Dr. Claire mode, my dude. You will not win that fight.

Yeah. If I pretend like this episode is the first one of the season, I like this episode. I’m kind of pissed that the show managed to make me salty about fluff. I love fluff, why you make me salty about fluff, show? And now I just want a goddamn fluffernutter.

And since I’m ignoring everything that could have been up until now, it doesn’t bug me that Jamie and Claire are separated...again. Because lol nothing matters.

Fucking give me all the badass Dr. Claire you have, show.

She’s on a boat motherfucker, don't you ever forget.

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ At Least A Fake One (part 44)

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

***

Luke’s P.O.V.

I’m a mess, everything I see reminds me of her, I would say she’s ruined everything for me, but I did that. All of these emotions I’m feeling, I am the main source. I can’t even look at myself without seeing her. Can’t listen to my favourite songs, can’t watch my favourite t.v. shows, can’t wear my clothes, can’t even fucking see my friends without seeing her.

Every time I go to listen to my favourite song, her face flashes before my eyes, and I get flashbacks of memories. When we were in some random shop in town, the song came on and we looked up at each other with a huge grin, then started dancing to it together, not giving a single fuck about the people around us.

Whenever I attempt to watch my favourite t.v. show, my mind goes back to the endless amount of times we’ve cuddled up together in my bed, the rain pouring outside, me playing with her hair, whilst watching it and just being content with life.

I go to put on some clothes, yet all I can think about is her laying on my bed, in just my shirt and underwear, scrolling through her phone and laughing at something I said or showing me some random photo from her camera roll. Her possibly telling me some anecdote from a memory we’ve shared. Us just chilling out and reminiscing, undoubtfully cuddling as well.

If I look at or even just hang around with the whole group, she’s there. Not in a hallucinating kind of way, just memories keep playing in my mind, good and bad. How I used to be touching her in some type of way, or she would rest her head in my lap, my fingers tracing random patterns on her sides, almost like a reflex.

A small smile adorns my face whenever these flashbacks happen, but then a wrecking ball comes and I slip into reality again, it feels like the wrecking ball hit me and my smile has been demolished.

I’m trying to find it again, or at least a fake one.

I’ve even got her fucking name tattooed on my body. I wonder if she will get her’s lasered off or covered up. I’m not gonna get it removed, she was in my life for such a long time, and she was so important to me. It’s not as if I get the piece of art removed, I won’t hurt anymore and it’s all forgotten.

I sometimes wish I never even knew her because then I wouldn’t be in so much pain. Then again, I’m glad I knew her, because she made me so happy and I’ve got so many fantastic memories with her. It’s bitter sweet really.

I haven’t seen her since the break up, I’ve seen her few tweets, and fan’s posts about her. I still have her post notifacations on, on all social media platforms. A few tweets here and there and one instagram post. They’re not any subtweets or anything to cause drama, she’s not into anything like that.

I’m pretty sure the boys or girls haven’t talked to her. They are very aware not to even mention anything about her, which I’m kinda greatful for, but I do want to know if she’s actually okay. We may not be dating anymore, but I still care a fuck ton about her. She might not feel the same way about me, but I’m okay with that. It’s always gonna be a painful chapter to tell, but I don’t regret the time we had together. I deeply regret the thing I did to cause this all, but our time together I won’t ever regret.

I told my family a couple days ago, they wanted to know why their son is an absolute car crash. They were honestly very shocked to hear, I guess it was the last thing they expected from us, especially me.

I keep constantly texting her, at least twice a day, it’s always a really heavy apology and just questions like how are you? Or solid statements where I tell her I’ll be waiting for her, wheather it’s days, weeks, months, or years. I’ve called her a couple of times, but they just go to voicemail, in which I’ll leave one whilst tears fall down my face, sometimes my voice cracks every now and then, my sobs interrupt my words. She probably can’t even understand what I’m saying at times, I just spill my feelings out to her, even though it’s very much one sided. I kinda find some sort of comfort in the fact I can just talk about what I’m thinking, it’s kinda like a diary. I know for a fact that she’s reading these texts and is listening to the voicemails, I’m not sure what kind of emotion she is finding in them, but I know she’s receiving it all.

I’m not sure if she is even still across the road, she might be in Africa for all I know.

“Hey, Luke.” A voice interrupts my thoughts.

Looking up, I see the whole group saunter into my house. “Uh, hey.” I sigh.

“How are you?” Maddie asks as she sits next to me, placing her hand on my back. “I’m fine, thanks.” I give her a small nod.

“Good.” She gives me a small smile.

“Where have you guys been?” I ask.

“We were round Erika’s.” Calum answers for everyone.

“Cool.” I nod.

“What have you been doing?” Ashton asks.

“Literally nothing, I’m just waiting till we go on tour again I guess.” I shrug.

“When is the actual date again?” Erika questions.

“Um, well it’s in two days.” Michael answers.

“When do you guys come home again.”

“I can’t quite remember but not for quite a few months.” Calum informs.

“Awe, I’m gonna miss you guys.” Erika pouts.

“Me too, Erika bear.” Michael coos.

“What about me?” Maddie whines.

“What about you?” Ashton questions.

“You’re fucking mean, Irwin.” Maddie moans.

“You love it.” He winks.

“Results show differently.” She mutters.

“Holy fuck, um Luke?” Michael nervously asks.

“Uh, yeah?” I question confusedly.

“Where is your phone?” He asks, trying to keep calm.

“Um, not really sure, my mum took it away from me last night.” I confess.

“Why did she take it away from you?” Ashton asks.

“I got too uh, upset, so she took it away from me so I could go to sleep.” I explain.

“Well, I-I’m pretty sure your phone has been hacked or something. Because, don’t hit me, but pictures of you and Harper have leaked, and some are quite uh, revealing, especially from you.” Michael confesses.

“Fuck, uh, where?” I sigh, trying not to panic.

Michael passes me his phone and I look at what it shows. Some update account, with the caption: looks like someone leaked they’re photos. Please don’t do this, no one deserves this. Love you both xx

The first picture is of Harper, she’s kneeling in front of a mirror, in some of my favourite underwear on her, and in my flannel.

The second one is of me, no shirt on and I’m just wearing my jeans, sporting a hard on.

I deleted all of the nude ones, from both of us, just some revealing one’s left. I’m just gonna be honest, she looks stunning, absolutely blindingly beautiful, I’m not gonna lie. That side of Harper is for only me to see, at least I wish that is the case nowadays, but now it’s out for the whole world to see.

“Fuck, I need to speak to her,” I huff and pass Michael his phone back, who passes it to Calum.

“Damn,” Calum laughs, “Harper is looking good.” Calum comments and I give him a death glare.

“Oh, sorry, you too Luke,” he snickeres and passes Michael’s phone to Ashton.

“I didn’t know Harper was capable of looking like that.” Ashton says in amazement and Calum and him high five.

“Say one more fucking thing like that about her, I will not hesitate to hit you.” I threaten.

“Sorry, man.” They apologise.

We may not be dating or in contact any more, but I’ll always be protective or her, despite the situation.

“Oh shit, Luke, they’ve leaked more, they’re not as uh… revealing. Here.” Maddie passes me Michael’s phone.

“Okay, geez, when can I have my phone back? Everyone has had a look now.” Michael whines.

I ignore Michael’s whinging and look at the newly leaked photos. It’s just a few selfies of us, one of us kissing, one of me kissing her cheek, her doing the same to me. Another one is just us swimming together a couple months back, she is clinging onto me whilst I’m swimming around. There’s one where we’re talking to some adult I can’t quite recognise, we’re listening intently, dressed up all fancy, one of my hands is on her waist/small of her back, and we look happy, despite still having a serious face on.

In all of them we look happy, genuine, happy smiles.

This all hurts too much.

“How do I stop this?” I question.

“I don’t know, Luke, but you should probably talk to her. I’m not sure where she is.” Michael tells me.

“Should I go to her house or is that too much?” I ask.

“Is she even  still in Australia?” Erika speaks up.

“I think you should go over to her house and just get some confirmation on where she is.” Calum states.

“Uhh, but what if she told them what I did, and they don’t like me anymore?” I nervously question.

“It might be a little awkward, but I can’t see them being hostile to you, you’re like their fourth child.” Michael explains.

“We’ll wait here for you, bud.” Ashton smiles.

“Okay, uh, bye, for now.” I wave and make my way towards the front door.

I hear them all say bye and then start to talk about the leaked pictures. I pull my hood up and gently put it on top of my hair, part of my quiff is poking out.

Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I make the all too familiar trip to Harper’s house. As I walk up the driveway, memories flood my mind, all the late nights I’d help her sneak into her house. Trying to be quiet, but we’d just keep laughing, and I’d just have my hand on her waist the whole time.

Nervously knocking on the door, I wait for someone to open the wooden door. 10-15 seconds later, I hear the door open so I spin, being met by her mum. “Oh, uh, hey Lucas.” She smiles and pulls me in for a hug.

“Hi, Sarah, um i-is Harper here?” I ask, while playing with my fingers behind my back.

“No, she’s gone back to England for uni, she said that she had to be home by the 12th.” She explains.

“What? She told me she had to go back by the 19th or 20th or somthing.” I tell her and I see her sigh.

“Oh dear. Do you wanna come in.” She offers.

“I really need to talk to Harper, but thanks for the offer, Sarah. I’ll see you around.” I smile and give her a hug, before walking down the driveway.

“Bye, Luke.” She waves and closes the door.

I rub my face and let out a big sigh. She’s never gonna pick up to me, plus, she’s probably sleeping right now. What am I even gonna say to her? I’m sorry, our nudes leaked, bye?

I bet this is always nice to wake up to.

Making my way back towards my house, I open the door and close it behind me. “So?” Maddie asks.

“She’s gone back to England.” I huff. “She’s never gonna pick up to me, she hasn’t picked up or returned any of my calls of texts.”

“How about you call her on my phone?” Maddie suggests.

“Yeah, that might work. Has she talked to any of you since the break up?” I ask.

“No, not at all really, she liked my tweet the other day.” Ashton speaks up.

“Can I borrow your phone then, Maddie?” I request.

“Yeah, of course.” She smiles and pulls it out of her bra.

“Ewww,” I whine as I take it from her hand. “It’s still warm.”

“Love you!” She calls as I walk away.

I shake my head and go into her contacts, scrolling through names, some I recognise, some I don’t at all, until I reach Harper’s name.

My finger shakes as I hover over the little phone icon. This is my one shot to talk to her, I can’t miss it because I couldn’t bring myself to talk the only person I actually want to talk to.

Biting the bullet, I press it and bring the phone towards my ear, listening to all the in sync rings, until it gets to the final one.

I guess she’s not talking to the others either, she may be asleep though.

Making my way into my parent’s room and going into my mum’s bedside table, going through some random shit, until I find my phone. Walking out and going into my room, before laying on my bed. I turn my phone on and it seems to work perfectly, it’s a bit laggy at the start but other than that it seems to be fine.

Going into my texts, her name is on top of the list. It’s been in at least the top five, ever since I’ve had a phone. Holding the phone to my ear, I listen to the all too familiar rings.

“Hey, babe, I was kinda sleeping, but what’s up?”

My stomach sinks and it feels as if my throat has swelled up. Its been so long since I’ve properly heard her voice, only through YouTube videos and videos on my phone.

“Uh, H-Harper?” I stutter.

“Oh shit, fuck.” I hear her mutter.

“So um, I r-r-really need to talk to you.” I state.

“If it’s another f-fucking apology, I swear to God Luke.” She says.

“No, but I am sorry.” I slip it in.

“Luke,” she warns.

“Sorry, uh, have you got a minute to talk?” I ask, finally finding my voice.

“Well considering it’s the middle of the night, I’ve got loads of time.” She sighs.

“Okay, it’s not my fault, at least I don’t think I could’ve prevented it. When I was on tour, and we both needed some… content let’s say, they’ve leaked, so one has hacked into my phone or somthing.” I explain.

“So what you’re saying is that our nudes have leaked?” She way too calmly asks. “You clearly needed more than that though.” I hear her mutter and I roll my eyes, although I can’t disagree with her.

“Basically, yeah. I deleted the actually nude ones, there’s just pictures of us in our underwear.” I tell her.

“Why didn’t you delete them all?” She raises her voice.

“I don’t know, I didn’t think this would happen. Just have a look at them, it’s bound to be trending on Twitter.” I sigh, a harsh undertone on my voice.

“Give me a minute.” She huffs and I hear her shuffle, a cute little yawn escaping from her. Listening to the sound of the keys on her laptop and her sighing every now and then. “Holy shit, Luke.”

“You okay?” I ask, going into boyfriend mode.

“What do you fucking think, Luke? I have to actually face people at school, who you can bet your ass will see these. We have all these fans that will see this. It’s even trending Luke, number six on the list.” I can hear the panic in her voice.

“Harper, babe, calm down, so it’s a few pictures of us, it’s not the end of the world.” I tell her.

“It’s not the end of the world? They’ve invaded your privacy, they’ve leaked pictures us, and you come and tell me it’s not the end of the world. And now I’ve just seen they haven’t just put out our nudes but private pictures of us. What do we do? We obviously can’t ignore the elephant in the room, we need to tell the fans somthing, we can’t just leave it. This is all for you to deal with, you should’ve delete those pictures.” She blames.

“No fucking way, Harper, you can’t pin this on me. So you’re telling me you don’t have any pictures of us in your phone? Shows how much I mean to you.” I say.

“A picture doesn’t define how much somone means to you, Luke. I try not to look at my camera roll because it hurts too much. You’ve done this all yourself, all this mess, you fucking cheated on me, I’ve done nothing wrong. You’re going to tell the fans, about the pictures and that we broke up. I can’t keep getting all these comments about us on my posts, it hurts to see and I feel as if I’m going insane. You don’t have to tell them the reason why, but I can’t deal with this all. I wish this all never even happened.” She harshly informs and the line goes silent. “Do you regret dating me for nearly a year? Do you regret being best friends with me for 18 years? Has this all meant nothing to you? I’ve put my heart and soul into our relationship, so to say you wish this never happened is fucking low. I’m hurting as much as you are, you can’t just say those things-”

“Luke, you fucking cheated on me, how can you say you put your heart and soul into the now non-existent relationship? That relationship clearly didn’t mean a lot to you if you fucked somone else. I do wish this never happened, say what you want. If we didn’t know each other, I would probably be fine and happy, not hurting and down. You’ve caused all my sadness, all I wanted was you but you clearly didn’t want me, and now I wish I didn’t spend all my time working on a useless relationship for my whole life.” She cuts me off and my heart shatters all over again.

“Harper, listen, I’m so sor-”

“I don’t love me, and I see why you don���t either.” She says in a weak voice. “Bye Luke, maybe we were meant to be, maybe we weren’t.”

“Harper wait. No, I still love you.” I begin to cry and she hangs up on me. “I always will, we promised we would,” I whisper to myself.